When my friend Kate, who, let the record show, is lovely and more than I deserve, signed me up for this site, I was genuinely pleased with myself. I felt big and clever ’cause I had a little corner of the web to call my own, however tenuously. Still, as so often happens, a thought has come along and spoiled my little idyll.
I bought some blue hair dye, the other day, to go undercover with a group of fascistic old ladies bent on world domination.
Well, that’s not true. To be honest, I saw a cricketer with bright blue hair, once, and much as I detest cricket I thought it looked good.
So I finally got around to going through with it, and I noticed something. This hair-dye company has a website.
If you’re anything like me, you have to ask yourself why. To save you the trouble, I took a look.
Well, let me say right off, seeing the site didn’t answer the question. I’ll give you a brief run-down of what’s on this site: A list of the various colours available. Some white, person-shaped silhouettes with hair in said colours. Nothing else.
And, in this way, I’ve come to a conclusion. There are too many websites.
I have no objection to there being a diverse range of information sources available, but I feel I must draw the line at things such as the hairdye debacle. In fact, I’m going to go one further and suggest something radical:
There is too much porn on the internet.
I know, I know, this may sound harsh, but hear me out. The other day, I was looking around on a file sharing programme to see if I could find any interesting live music videos. I typed in “Clapton” and I swear to god one of the results came back “Horny Teenage Lesbians Part 2.”
Now let’s be frank. If you’ve read this column before and are not my editor/therapist/other personality, you’ve clearly got too much time on your hands. Don’t feel bad, I empathise, I’m the one writing this drivel. Nonetheless, take a moment of your ample time, and try to find any link – any link at all – between a sixty year old English guitarist and horny teenage lesbians. Answers, if you’d be so kind, to the usual address.
Also, while we’re on this subject, let’s stop kidding eachother and get right to the point: No matter how many times porn sites feature the word “free”, it really isn’t, and I, for one, am sick of this.
Sure, sure, there are guys out there who meet real women. Guys who have interesting lives, and who aren’t shockingly pale and blue haired. Guys who, if asked to participate in a bout of energetic bedroom gymnastics, would not be aghast to find themselves sterilised by 18 hours a day’s worth of computer radiation. (Sorry guys, but we are. Go on, check, I’ll wait.)
For the rest of us, a group in which I must sadly include myself, there is often little recourse but to tackle the problem alone. Is it too much to ask that some kindly, lecherous old benefactor out there might take pity and distribute free, high quality pornography to us all?! Perhaps he does. Perhaps there is fantastic porn just waiting to be discovered, and it never will, because there are so many lesser, expensive sites clogging the net like so much shaven pubic hair in a drain.
Alright, the analogy was a little much, but you get my point.
I’m not saying I have the answers. I don’t know how we would implement a purge of the entire internet that leaves only the arousing and the useful, but I still say I’ve had worse ideas.
Incidentally, “Horny Teenage Lesbians Part 2” isn’t up to much. But there’s a nice video of “Wonderful Tonight” going around…